Articles

 		      
  Frames of Mind      
  Written by Jay Hedley - Transformational Coach and Trainer, CEO of thecoachingroom.  


  The ability to manage your frames of mind (your state of mind, your attitude, your beliefs, values and ideals in any given context) is at the core of the relationship process.

That’s right, it starts with you!

It is from a positive, empowering framework (our state of mind at any given moment), which allows us to relate with others in an empowering way. Our frames of mind directly affect the way we behave which in-turn directly affects the outcomes we achieve in life.

In Meta-coaching we call this the be-do-have equation; our state (the being) influences our behaviour (the doing) which in turn influences the results that we get in life (the having). Finding our power in a relationship starts with managing our own state of mind including the unconscious rules we hold as true. This allows us to affect the only thing that we can take control of which is of course, ourselves.

In this article, we will take a look at whom we need to be in order to do the things we need to do so that we get the outcome we are looking for. We will learn how to manage our frames of mind and overcome any fear or reluctance that may be holding us back from being our best in a given situation.

Be – do – have

Where is your mental focus in your key relationships? Is it in the area of who you need to be (starting), the things that you are doing (maintaining) or is it about getting the outcomes you are after in life (finishing)? Is your focus external, on wanting others to conform to your internal rules, beliefs and values? It begins with who you want to be in life.

Can you remember being in a great frame of mind, and heading out with a group of friends for the evening? Didn’t everything just seem to flow so easily? Has this ever happened to you? Wouldn’t it be great to be able to re-create that frame of mind and try it on whenever you wanted to, like putting on a favourite shirt? How different would life be?

State management

A state can be classified as a way of being. We can be in a confident state, a happy state, and an angry or sad state for example. State-management is how we go about bringing the locus of control of our states back inside ourselves. In effect this is taking response-ability of our own states. It is the ability to respond how we want to. I call it taking back the remote control of our feelings from those who know how to push the button.

Behaviour can be classified as doing something. It is about how we act out our states. We can behave confidently for example; we can laugh and behave playfully, if we are in the mood or mindset. If we want to be response-able for our behaviour we need look no further than our states of mind. To put that another way, the quality of our life and our performance is determined by the quality of our states.

State-management can be then explained as establishing rapport between our state of mind and our behaviour. This is also called congruence in NLP.

State management can therefore be classified as an ability to change our internal (emotional) state at-will, by bringing forward an empowering state from which to operate. The relationship process begins with state management.

How to manage your state of mind

The process of managing your state of mind is about getting back in touch with your power states. We can do this by reflecting on events where we felt empowered. Now I know that this seems too simple to work, but bear with me as I explain how your mind works. Firstly though try this:

Stop for a moment and reflect on what frame of mind you are in now. Maybe you are taking a break and feel relaxed yet apprehensive? Maybe you feel rushed and a bit pushed for time. Maybe you are feeling the exhaustion of the day catching up with you or maybe you just feel OK? Identify what state you are in now. Next identify what thoughts go with that state for you. What are you saying to yourself, what do you like so far about this article and what do you dislike? Identify any beliefs that you may have that are coming up as you read this too.

Now go back to that night you were in a great frame of mind, the night you were heading out with a group of friends for the evening? Go all the way back to that night that everything just seem to flow so easily. As you remember a specific event where this occurred, allow yourself to hear the things that others were saying to you, remember what it was that you were saying to yourself. How did you feel to be there that evening? What frame of mind were you in then?

Now stop and notice how you feel. Notice that something has changed. What? Why your state of mind of course.

This process is something that we do every day throughout our lives and we don’t even realise it. What happens to you when you think of a sad event? You get sad right? But why does that happen?

Well let me explain. The human mind codifies experience with 2 things, the emotion that was present and the key learning’s either from that time or upon later reflection. Our mind then files the memory away with all the other similar feelings from similar events. When we go back and remember any given experience, we bring both the memory and the emotion forward (as well as remembered learnings) into the now and temporarily change our state of mind. :

 

How to build an empowering frame of mind

Again, become aware of your current state of mind, this is the state that we will out frame and texture with the following states:

A State of Flexibility - Think of a time when you were able to be open and flexible no matter what the circumstances. Think of a single (one-time) event where you were able to vary your responses to suit the situation. Allow yourself to fully remember what it felt like, what it looked like, notice or imagine what you were saying to yourself at that time. Notice also that all the feelings and sensations that were present then (in your memory) are present now! Think about what kind of actions and behaviours support the state of flexibility and try them on and see how they feel. Good, now anchor that state (see anchoring below). Go ahead and fire that anchor and notice how strong it is, how it changes your state instantly.

A State of Creativity – Now, think of a time when you were creative. Think of a single (one-time) event where you were able to look at a situation form many different angles, when you were able to step back and apply a new formula that simply changed the outcome. Allow yourself to fully remember what it felt like, what it looked like, notice or imagine what you were saying to yourself at that time. Notice also that all the feelings and sensations that were present then (in your memory) are present now! Think about what kind of actions and behaviours support the state of creativity and try them on and see how they feel. Good, now stack that state on top of the other state by anchoring it in the same place (see anchoring below). Fire the anchor again to test its strength. When you feel it is strong enough move on to the next state.

State of Playfulness - Now think of a time when you were able to ebb and flow with some playful bantering. Think of a single (one-time) event where you were completely at ease and in the moment with a good friend discussing the toss of a coin for the fun of it. Allow yourself to fully remember what it felt like, what it looked like, notice or imagine what you were saying to yourself at that time. Notice also that all the feelings and sensations that were present then (in your memory) are present now! Think about what kind of actions and behaviours support the state of playfulness and try them on and see how they feel. Good, now anchor that state in the same place as the other states (see anchoring below) and test.

Anchoring

In NLP, Neuro Semantics and meta-coaching, we use the term anchoring. An anchor is anything that triggers a memory, like a perfume or a certain tone of voice or a place. David Gordon provides an explanation of anchoring in his book Therapeutic Metaphors, “Everyone has – from time to time – experienced seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling or tasting something that takes them back to an experience or event in the past. Perhaps you caught the fragrance that suddenly brought to mind a person that you hadn’t thought of in years; or your friend or partner says something in a way that reminds you of someone else from long ago. These bits of experience are anchors for larger, past, and often forgotten, experiences.”

We can set up and use the process of anchoring to create a trigger for an empowering frame of mind that we can access at any time, any place.

The 5 keys to anchoring

An anchor can be kinaesthetic, auditory or visual. There are 5 keys to anchoring any state, they are:
Remember - remember a time when… Think of a single (one-time) event… Allow yourself to fully remember what it felt like, and notice that all the feelings and sensations that were present see what you saw hear what you heard.
Unique - make the anchor something unique. Make the anchor physiological and something that you will easily remember, something private. Holding your finger in a certain way for example or remembering the chorus to a favourite song.
Peak – anchor at the peak of your chosen state in a unique way, preferably for 5+ seconds.
Repetition – repeat and stack the anchor as often as possible, again and again.
Test – Test the anchor by firing it and re-set the anchor when needed to ensure success.

Anchoring & state management:

By anchoring a state, we can return to that state at any time, by simply firing the trigger. By anchoring various (similar) states to the same trigger, you can fire off a mega state that will draw the positive feelings from those events and serve as catalyst to drive results within your life. This then acts as a self-attracting framework as it sends out the unconscious messages through your behaviours that go with the empowered states.

You can use this technique whenever you like; when you are dating; on a job interview; during sales calls; at important meetings etc. Try creating your own power states (a state of confidence for example) and adding that state to the mix by anchoring it.

In article number 5 in this series, where we explore how to accept who you really are, we will take an even deeper look into the beliefs and values that also drive our states of mind.

In next month’s article, which is about learning how to establish and maintain rapport, we will explore how to master the non-verbal facets of human communication.

If you would like to read more articles, books or download some free audios, or if you would like to try a coaching session with us, no matter where you are, please go to www.thecoachingroom.com.au 		 
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