Why is it often lost? Men and women want the same closeness in a relationship

By Margaret, 28 March, 2016.
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Men and women are wired differently and fear and shame can cause a loving close relationship to become disconnected. This interesting information is from a book called “Why women talk and men walk” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

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Research and clinical experiences show that men and women clearly want the same closeness and connection from a relationship. So why do many couples end up feeling like they have lost that closeness they felt early in their relationship?

The male – female disconnection is the biggest factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80% of divorcees say they “grew apart” – tragic and unnecessary.

Female orientated attempts are often aimed at “talking” to her man. But this is often a huge failure. Because their problem is not about “communication.” It’s about disconnection. They are disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In a new relationship, when they felt connected, they talked for hours on end. She exposed vulnerable feelings to him, he responded with protectiveness and support. She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears.

He fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector and provider, which reduced any threat of feeling inadequate.

The best chance of saving a disconnected relationship is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection.

Though powerful and pervasive, your fear and shame are not the deepest or most important things about you. Much deeper is the compassionate, loving part of you that was so active when you were a child and when you were first in love. It’s still there, although hidden beneath resentment that can make you fight and fear and shame that can make you resentful. Know that the warm glow is still within you, waiting to ignite your spirit.

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Margaret Newitt
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